Lasting peace and contentment? Sure, whatever. A feeling of being home in your life? Yeah, fine.
We all know what you’re really looking for when you’re seeking enlightenment. After extensive interviews with our pool of graduates, we’ve come up with the definitive list of the absolute best, most amazing, most incredibly AWESOME superpowers everyone who gains enlightenment receives. So let’s go!
#1. Laser Vision
Laser. Freaking. Vision. Vaporize your enemies instantly. Never go looking for a can ope… you know what? ‘Nuff said. Laser. Freaking. Vision.
#2.Interstellar travel
Sure, most people who finally achieve total and complete enlightenment choose to spend the majority of their time on good ol’ planet Earth. But it is nice to know that with a wink you can hop off to Mars and take a breather, or spend your vacation on Rigel VII and experience emotions 100 times greater than what we call Love. But the absolute, #1 most amazing superpower you’ll get when you’re enlightened is…
#3.Levitation: The “2 inch” phenomenon…
D.T. Suzuki has a pretty famous quote: “Enlightenment is like everyday consciousness but two inches above the ground.” Most people don’t realize: he meant that literally! There’s a great deal of controversy within the community of enlightened folks as to whether this is really a superpower or just a parlor trick. But we’re including it here because everyone agrees: it’s pretty nifty.
#4.Farts? Now they smell Like Jasmine
Which, considering the burrito thing, is really good.
#5.Knowing where the nearest quality burrito restaurant is at all times
Lets face it: there’s a wide range in the quality of what passes for a burrito. Factors like chewiness and warmth of tortilla, proper distribution of ingredients, skill in wrapping–not to mention freshness of ingredients, or how long meat/veggies have been marinated for–they all vary wildly, and seemingly randomly. So it’s nice to know that after you’re enlightened, you’ll never have to worry about this again. You’ll instantly have a comprehensive multi-factor scale at your disposal for every burrito in a 50-mile radius, giving you and your dining companions objective certainty about where to go for burritos.
[Fun fact: while the usefulness of this has somewhat diminished in the last 15 years b/c of ‘#7: wifi everywhere,’ this used to be one of the most impressive of enlightenment superpowers. When John Lennon was asked about the Maharishi in a 1967 interview for Rolling Stone, for example, his first response was, “The man is just remarkable. I have–quite honestly–never eaten a sub-par burrito in his company. Nothing less than an 8 out of 10, when I think about it. And we’re talking India here…it’s just astounding.”
#6.Turn Rain into Birds
Caught without your umbrella? No problema. People who gain enlightenment also gain the ability to turn raindrops into birdies. The benefits and application of this are pretty obvious, so let’s turn quickly to…
#7.Never being without WiFi
That’s right: You thought “connection” was just a metaphor? Nope. The moment you attain your enlightenment, you’ll never have to worry about ‘hot-spots’ again. Gone are the days of running around looking for a coffee shop so you can download your presentation. You’ll never miss another Tinder notification again. And we’re talking significant savings on your mobile bill. In fact, you won’t even need a computer or phone to connect. You are the world-wide-web now. Welcome to the future, John Spartan.
Okay… so clearly these are ridiculous. (Except, surprisingly, for the burrito one…)
But if you’ve spent any time looking into meditation, you’ve probably come across some other equally outrageous claims, made with a straight face. And this is doubly unfortunate: either you buy into them, and then become disenchanted and maybe even put meditation aside, or you realize that the claims are bogus, and lump all meditation together as “some woo-woo B.S.”
Even that word, “enlightenment,” has come to mean something rarefied and mystical. Or worse, something mythical.
And this is a tragedy. Because for thousands of years the world’s lineages have protected and maintained some very real, and really wonderful, states of being. Ways that you can live your life that are remarkably different from what we tend to experience as day-to-day consciousness.
The Finders Course is based on the most extensive academic research into these states of being, with more than 9 years and well over a thousand participants. We don’t use the word ‘enlightenment,’ or ‘awakening,’ or ‘unity,’ or ‘mystical experiences.’ They mean too many things to too many people.
We call these ways of being Ongoing, Non-Symbolic Experience (O.N.E.) People who experience O.N.E. can’t shoot lasers out of their eyes, or levitate, and some can’t tell a quality burrito from a quesadilla. But they do experience a fundamental sense of well-being, dramatic decreases in anxiety and depression, greater love and compassion, and a whole slew of other benefits.
And it doesn’t take sitting in a cave for years: 73% of our students in the Finders Course transition to O.N.E. in less than 17 weeks.
If this is interesting to you, watch the video below, and click here to find out more.
